-

shoo.!

2007-01-15T08:37:00.000-08:00

SUCKY day.! so freaking irritating la..! dammed... anyway, i feel so so down n empty.. duno y lehx.. sad sialx.. dun feel belonging to anywhr.. only one frm og to mix wit ogls n o/r og.. sad nia... :'(

packed my wardrobe today finally.. nicer and alot of clothings thrown outta... tml gg to pack rm le.. den hab to go bugis to buy class stuff.. DUMB.! i wanna shop fer pants.. bloody hel nia.. gt injury on both knees.. den my right knee half of it blue black.. so UGLY.! arrgh.! shitty man.! migrain is back.. alex day in day out sms me asking.. i tink becoz of him, im getting e migrain again..

odac was ok.. fun i guess.. ultimate frisbee was .... xD other den tt, nth much happened.. except i was pissed e whole day.. yea...

haiyo.!

2007-01-14T07:40:00.000-08:00

LOUSY LOUSY LOUSY.! pj ain't gt any shuai or cute or any guys who can make it one.. hahahha... cannot ogle at guys... another 2yrs of sufferings... okok, i sound real bimbo, despo n biatch-y... but really la.! haiix.. nvm, go jc is to study n i shall study dilligently.. xD nth much is happening... o6Ao5 is my class... 4 harvesters.. fun class i guess.. but im feeling freaking outta place again... gt into ODAC.! YESH.. hahah oso o2 but nv go fer sat trial so diqualified ^^... sickening.! only one frm og23 to mix wit o/r og.. kinda weird... hmmm yx = nice guy... wahahhahaha but nahx.! zq = cute/shuai??!! NOPE... ok la, he nice guy too... cx, too hilarious but kinda mean wit his jokes... its ok coz he treat me better.. hee..

lectures lectures... tutorial tutorial... ok la.. nt that badd... went running.. 13 x 400m = 5.2km.! OMG.. hahah... shiok... really wonder if i will get bf in jc.. hahhaha... dun really think so though.. >.<>

YAY!

2007-01-06T06:13:00.000-08:00

hahahax..! im so so happy.. coz went running.! den negative stuff all fly fly fly... YAY.! so so happy... hmm... gt chamayne, jon and shannon... ((: den ltr gt ah xiao and shahrin... so fun fun fun... yipppee... heee...

lala

2007-01-04T18:24:00.000-08:00

well.. its kinda decided that im staying in pjc.. of course unless my results are like 12 pts? but 12pts can go whr arh? hmm... i enjoyed pjc fer e first wk... i am still enjoying but not as much le.. its realy the seniors that make me enjoy pjc currently... as usual.. i can't fit in.. but what the heck.. i tot it'll be different since its a new chapter, unfortunately im wrong..

sadsadsadsadsadsadsadsadsadsadsadsadsadsadsad....
that's hw im been feeling fer e past 4 days... no idea at first but slowly i realise what it is.. i've alrdy mentioned it in this post..

ppl say i like zq... DIAOx... no lehx.. dunno la.. hw to like a guy when u dun noe him yet as a fren.. anyway, i haben get into odac gt alot of things happen le... kaox.. nv do anything wrong den e pres alrdy dun like me.. i wonder if i get in den hw arh? torture? haiix... kinda wondering hw the next 2 yrs will go le. x.x

2oo6 - new chapter

2006-01-12T00:58:00.000-08:00

haven't been bloggin for quite awhile.. school has started and truth is that i dreaded it one e first day.. christmas and new year wasn't really celebrations for me.. didn't join cg to enjoy, came home instead to be wit family but... shan't comment further..

first day of 2oo6 was nt a gd start to the brand new year.. gt scolded jux after midnight o1o1o6.. decided to forget bout it and start all over again..

so here i am in pjc, a brand new chapter of my life.. uncle eddie is teaching in pjc.. first day of sch wasn't a happy one... saw joel first thing in da morning and same og.. BUT HEY.! at least we talk to each other now.. God blessed me already... og 23 -nootKA = FABULOUS.! so united... nootka and og 23 and all the ogls made me take back what i felt... in i went, out i came with a different emotion... i was so happy... jac is now my honey... vv chio nhss... many softballers in pjc too.. can set up team but... NAHX.! anyway.. im in ARTS.. gt my cmb - MEL3 = Cmaths, econs, lit(H2)& chem (H1) o6Ao5... cool.~! i noe bout like 4 ppl in my class..

here's the horror.. or i thought so... nathaniel lee zheng yu.. in pjc too.. but heng diff og, clan and class.. im nt holding a grudge against him or wad lor... is jux feel akward... anyway, kavee in my og n class too.. hmmm...happy i guess...

2005-11-30T10:42:00.000-08:00

have i made e right decision? my thoughts are all in a swirl now.. i do not know what do i want... well, he said if its wad i want, he'll help me.. but if its fer daddy, he's not gg to help.. wad i wan is to make daddy''s dream come true.. so he's nt gg ot help me.. was it a right or wrong decision? im feeling sad, neutral bout this decision.. but i think he's disappointed wit me.. and that's what makes me sad.. x.x oh manx... how i wish i didn't tell him that im doing coz of daddy... haiixx.... im so lost without god.. i lost touch wit him so long le... im jux clinging on... nt knowing how to continue le...

how long can i keep this smiling face? i wonder... im trying to be bloody guai la... im forcing the smile and supressing this unhappiness in me... who can i talk to? god.. :'( i've become so pale... so ugly.. looks as though im sick.. i hate this complexion... i wan to be more tan... jux like previously..the smile is so real.. what is fake has become part of me.. oh well.. got to live wit it.. x(

well.. this pic is nice coz of e hair.. yea? haha.. prbly will keep this hair style fer a while..

Reflections

2005-11-30T03:52:00.000-08:00

Christina Aguilera
Reflections

Look at me, You may think you see who i really am
But you'll never know me
Everyday its as if I play a part
Now i see if i wear a mask
I can fool the world but i cannot fool my heart

Who is that girl i see staring straight back at me
when will my reflection show who i am inside

I am now in a world where i have to hide my heart and what i believe in
but somehow i will show the world what's inside my heart
and be loved for who i am

Who is that girl i see staring straight back at me
why is my reflection someone i don't know
must i pretend that im someone else for all time
when will my reflection show who i am inside

There's a heart that must be free to fly
that burns with a need to know the reason why
why must we all conceal what we think how we feel
must there be a secret me i'm forced to hide

I won't pretend that i'm someone else for all time
when will my reflection show who i am inside
when will my reflection show who i am inside

-------------------------------

well... tt's how i feel rite now.. ):

2005-11-29T08:07:00.000-08:00

njc njc njc njc njc njc njc njc... shld i or not... GOD HELP ME PLS
he said he will help pull strings fer me to try get me in.. he doing it fer me nt daddy... he asked ' do YOU want to go there? if YOU want i will help you...' he said tt if im doing it fer daddy he won't help me... haiix.. truely he still cares bout me... the way he talked to me i can tell.. i was like saying ' my daddy dun like you...' den he said ' dun like dun like lorx.. nvm one... i helping you not your daddy..' something will be gained and something will be lost.. wat will it be? what will be lost if i gained softball... actually like nth lorx.. but am i willing to give up softball yet? only god knows... softball... if i give up, i'll let myself and may more dwn... but if i dun, i will let god and church frenx dwn... which path? a or b? i will only decide later part of the day.. will talk to him bout wat i feel.. he say he will bring me go club trainings one of these days.. pls... god... let it all be according to ur plan yes? and i pray hard that i can go follow my dreams at the same time god.. im jux lost... a lost sheep wandering ard..

2005-11-29T04:14:00.000-08:00

prom is over.. yea, offically graduated... oh well... i dyed my hair purple red thus i cannot go back fer trainings... x.x too bad... a must to go first three months and JC... no choice.. so many things happened and alot of pressure on family.. probly only God knows.. wanna talk to mc bout e stuff happening.. oh well... not sure what to do.. daddy is afraid i will end up like J.. i gt nth to say... daddy sick... lost 3kg in 5wks.. im scared.. thats y i wanna talk to mc... wanna hear what he gt to say... although daddy dun like me to talk to him... i wan him to understand that not everything i can tell him and that i can tell it to a specific someone else... oh well... xin bu zhai yan... can see sh is avoiding me... im so lost in touch wit God... nt sure what happened however, this year has been kinda sucky... nv grow much.. declined in fact... oh well, its late, 4am le.. better go slp... SAD.! BROKEN.! SCARED.! wanna cry till its all over... wanna give up... but i gotta face reality.. KRISTINE.! BE STRONG.!

2005-11-14T02:20:00.000-08:00

hahah.. its 2 am and i am still not slping... gt maths paper later.. having faith that i ain't gg to screw it up.. oh well..

this photo, reminds me of the times i play softball.. believing that i can bat the ball,and bat it real far... the thrill of the game, the tense atmosphere and the noise surrounding... these are what drive me to continue softball... it gives me that moment of uncertainty that i know i can do the deciding.. its kinda difficult to explain actually.. many do not understand it.. also, its the love of the game that pushes me too...standing in the batter's box looking & smiling at the pitcher... hahah.. looking at the ball fly thru the air... my heart jux flies and pounds against my chest... of all these, there is another thing that drives me to play softball... the love, patience and care of the coaches that i have.. they showed me their love for the game... shared their experience... and taught me many things that cannot be taught in school.. attitude, character, social and many more... it has also taught me to take risk and learn from failed risks... it gives me determination and strength... im not sure how though.. somehow, its kinda irreplacable in me... no game can ever subsitute it.. and from softball i've learnt something important in life... its never let striking out in life keep u from playing the game.. ((:

2005-11-08T02:55:00.000-08:00

everyday, there are millions of people saying this sentence 'how i wish...' but still nothing happens.. no work no wish granted.. as simple as that.. anyway, as i clicked to add a post, i too was thinking ' how i wish...' then it struck me that in the world, wishes r not granted by some invisible fairy... even when u say ' how i wish i can have this...' only when u ask money from your parents to buy or tell ur frenx that u want it when they ask... it requires WORK.! the bible says faith without work is dead, which means that u can trust God for 3 meals a day and sit at one corner collecting dust... NTH WILL HAPPEN.! >.<>

oh well... i brought some stuff on myself... my ss paper... nv study and result? nv finish the paper.. sux.. haii.. nvm de... geog chiong can liao.. den everything will be alrite..yea.!

2005-11-04T03:00:00.000-08:00

heckx.. guilt runs thru me big time.. haii... been a bad naughty girl today... had a bad bad nightmare ytd afternoon... argh.! gg to get phobia of snakes liaox.. horrid manx... anyway, today's steamboat was ok.. they sang karaoke and i jux sat thr watching.. i can't sing.. that's e whole prob wit me.. i can't go kbox wit them.. den xen tell me that im like jj.. aiyoo..sad la...

anyway, out of that..
the sight of a field makes me fly n wanna run at e same time... fly due to e thrill of playing but run away frm reality... the thought of playing softball makes my heart leap... the thrill of the games pulls me... the miracles i can do with a snap of my wrist.. the joy and sounds... haiix.. sianx.. running away coz i noe that commitment to god wil pull me one side.. oso, the fact that my knee is injured doesn't change anything... sad jux thinking bout the field and the game.. even sadder when i think of the people who took time to build softball in my life.. hao bahx, tt's all fer today.. too sad liaox..

2005-11-03T01:10:00.000-08:00

sigh.. indeed mc still can read my thought though we are so far apart.. have i ever show him that i have no faith in my o's? all i said was i didn't want to go JC anymore.. hah.! but alas, he found out.. sad but yet encouraged by him.. knowing that he ain't near but yet with me in thoughts... i miss him lots... :'( he is that someone who never fails to cheer me up... he knows what im thinking when im in the game... he knows what im thinking when we are out.. how? im not sure.. but he sure pampers mel and i alot... its kinda sad that three of us never gotten to take a picture together.. if ever, i will b posting it here for sure.! he.. someone special... takes care of mel and i so ever much like we are his sisters... to us, he is kenai, the older brother and koda us... after what happened last year march, i feel so sad... never really happy ever since. the impact on me and my life is huge... his eyes are ever so warm and touch so gentle... some ppl might think he takes advantage of girls.. but NO.!! he is ever so righteous... he taught me so many things.. thankew mc... forever so nice to be remembered by u as u will be by me.. (((:

2005-11-01T23:50:00.000-08:00

totally no mood.. easily shedding tears nowadays, i wonder why...

no faith that i will do well for o's... jux felt horrible when i tink about my results... a num of ppl have faith in me... Ms Nora, Jem, SH, mc, sis jo.... however touched i am, i dun see myself changing.. its as if im waiting for something so serious to happen den i will change.. x.x why i will feel this way? its because of wad someone said... 'its ok if u do well and go jc or poly or even ite... as long as u jux take care of urself.. im happy already..' it made me feel so small.!! it makes me feel that he wan me nt to succeed.. one sentence can make a big diff rite? though i go out wit certain ppl often, i can't share anything wit them... only mc.. but he will nt be thr fer me soon, even now.. haii i jux bottle up every single thing in my heart.. hopefully it will nt burst but omosis will happen... i look ard me n i feel so damm inferior.. esp gg out wit elyn and xen... i jux feel damm small.!! damm.. grt.! nw im jealous.. jux because i feel tt im nt beautiful at all... heckx.. wadeva la.. let it all go..

sometimes i wonder wad would have happened if i jux played softball n nt go church... i will have fewer frenx, bigger in size, less conscious of my looks and nt feel all that left out.. [tt haven't changed] i still feel like im jux a blackie among the whities.. i try ever so hard to prove myself.. acadamically and in sports.. however, no matter hw much effort i put in, nth happens... so many ppl are moving in their lives and getting blessed by god.. me? stagnent in this black hole of darkness.. i try hard but nth.. being me huh? nahx.. i dun even noe who am i.! hw to be me liaox? low self-esteem... haha.. though i always seem so 'up' but nahx..

life never goes according to how u want it to be. esp when u desire for it. but living and face it takes tremendous courage. letting nature take its course? yea.. dun force it.!

2005-10-24T01:00:00.000-07:00

sianx.. as usual.. i don't feel the pressure.. how arhx? haiix...
feels weird leh... something bout sh tt i feel is weird.. heart nw heavy.. feel that god is trying to tell me something.. haii.. wanted to talk to elyn but she outside.. so nvm bahx.. i dun feel at ease at all~!!! argh.! almost shed a ear jux nw.. hope everything is ok... my tummy is flipping all over...

bastard you

2005-10-14T01:20:00.000-07:00

damm.. seriously today was spoilt by wad i asked elyn to tell me... haii... james was thr listening too.. we went to cine planning to watch movie however, due to my curfew, i couldn't n dragged them along.. =( got a new pairs of slippers, ate pastamania and played pool.. haha... fun i guess.. but during dinner when we were talking and james sitting thr keeping quiet, it was spoilt.. it ain't elyn's fault nor james's but mine.. cause i wanted to know something about junjie... what the heck..

here goes...
when elyn and tx was together, junjie told elyn he wanted to 'try' her coz she was firece enuff or something like that.. oh well... =( it jux reminds me how he lied to me on so many occasions.. is what elyn said true or wad? i wonder... SJI guys... flirts... bastards... jerks... argh.!! feel like drowning my sorrows wit alcohol like during chinese new year that time.. haii.. its wrong.. i know, u know... don't wanna go into a relationship lehx.. feel so cheated though im sinerce... i dun get it.. am i really that gullible? am i so easy to trick?

dunno la.. today couldn't smile much... besides that.. i wasn't feeling well oso... had vv bad headache the whole time.. but hey.! i tried to smile at least.. james went MS clubbing with his frenx.. although he was totally shacked... ltr he still working.. hope he'll be ok.. jux pray hard that he won't work till he fall.. like a few people i know... =((elyn lehx.. she nt planning to take o's this yr coz she not ready... if she ain't ready, den e nxt time whr will be ready? worry for her.. btw, she n james tgt horx, will make a vv nice couple.. always laming around and playing pool... haha... was like looking at them during pool game when they side by side... real nice.. can imagine both of them tgt... =P anway it ain't my decision but theirs so i shan't talk more bout it..

tml last day le, but graduation postponed to end of o's... class personal one too... cause gary's mom suddenly passed away... it gotta be real hard on him esp this period of o's... i know how it feels to lose someone close.. but it cannot be compared to him.. he's real courageous, being able to smile and joke still... =) i ain't studying cause i ain't got any motivation... after what i know today, i feel like a slut.. so easily cheated on... ='( dun wanna this kinda attraction pls lord.. i jux wanna stay single till someone comes along yea? thx...

to end this post, i'll jux post my emotions n feelings..
im sad,a angry,demoralised and feel so inferior to many.. i ain't pretty.. my actions and character ain't pretty too..

life during O's

2005-10-12T03:17:00.000-07:00

less than 20 days to olvl.. i don't feel any pressure... but all i feel is being sucked into a vortex of despair... i feel so demoralised.. joel got 13 pts.. me? 22 pts.. see the contrast of the situation.. probably i haven't been putting in enough effort... using the computer at wee hours... not sleeping and going to school or being on time.
sad is sad, however i've noticed the blessings God has poured on me. my relationship with the class is slightly better... daddy pay is increased... and i don't feel the burden of olvls.. wow.! counting my daily blessings is a real lift up... i feel happier already... God is surely good to bless me though i have not been putting him first.. been trying to put my act together and start building up my prayer life once more..
james, he is in a mess.. well, according to him... he has been taken out frm being a cg helper coz he ain't doing well.. bro pierre sensed it and talked to him.. im glad he did... =) james said he'll never leave CHC and told me not too... i wonder if the same edwin situation will happen again.. i hope not... leaving it all to God.
Btw, i talked to edwin.. he ain't coming back.. im not gonna probe any further as i believe if he is ready to tell me then he will.. so i shall just wait.. another thing is that apprantly my relationship with xenia, jj, elyn and jamin has been strained. we don't talk much anymore and that deeply saddens me greatly.
Life changes rapidly as the end of the world comes.. disasters one after another keeps coming continually with 2-3 months in between... what is the world becoming to now? i wonder much.. still i face critics who do not understand christianity and continually give me the looks. i daren't share and talk. it seems my confidence flies whenever i want to share the gospel. oh well..
well, its late... 3am in the morning... tomorrow i've got to get to sch on time or else tchers are going to be very unhappy... especially ms sheila.. can't be blamed... they are after all, still teachers keeping their jobs.

2005-09-03T09:45:00.000-07:00

lol... to think tt im really someone.. but alas... crashed.! dunno wad to do liaox.. i wonder if i leave.. will i really make a difference? probly nt in some ppl's life such as jj, shushu, jamin, joel, gabbie.... guys? probly girls like kaka, kristy, check, jieyi.... shelin oso bahx.. i tink xenia will nt b affected much.. neither will angela? let alone weifang and chantel and elyn.. hmmm... dunno la.. sometimes i really wanna disappear into thin air.. den lagi best

2005-09-03T02:00:00.000-07:00

lallala... quite happy today... weee.. hmm... jj n fab came ma hse today... kinda funny.. jj was fooling ard AGAIN~! oh well.. wad to expect..after tt go lot 1LJS... eat le.. jj go fer cg while fab n i go walkwalk.. kinda fun.. go popular den we look at da posters.. he bought one fer me =D 'prayer' lo remind me to pryer everyday.. oh well.. i mux... MUX MUX MUX>.... hahhaa.. i crazy... den go library borrow bks den my card cannot so used him... anyway.. today real fun.. all thx to fab... jj was joker.. but i feel i drifting awy frm him... quite sad though coz.. of smthig.. hahha... oh well.. can't help it.. no inspiration today.. so nt gonna write le..

2005-08-31T01:27:00.000-07:00

feelings that can nv be expressed
will always be there
drifting in my heart
longing to come out

words that can nv be said
will always be there
swirling in the head
flying in the air

expressions that can nv be shown
will always be there
costipated look
in the cause of boo

things that can nv be shown
are not really that bad
but if bottled up
u can really blow

2005-08-31T01:16:00.000-07:00

at times
tears roll
heart breaks
dreams shatter

at then
embrace comes
love fills
smile breaks

when times are bad
faith wavers
hearts drifts
inqutity comes

at then
a light shines
breaking clouds
showing truth

2005-08-30T00:15:00.000-07:00

with each passing day, i suffer more, but what is mine compared to HIS
with each passing moment, i regret my wrongs, but do nothing
with each breath, i tear, wanting to leave this world of hatred

how can i love but not show?
how can i say but not mean it?
how can i hate and yet love?

hate and love don't yoke
jux like clean n dirty don't mix

what is going through my mind this very moment?

the words to fill this blank page
page of my empty life
life which has somewhat not much colour as before
before i did what i now regret
regreting my wrongs and rights
rights that makes no sense to the world
the world which is filled of much hatred and still love
love and yet not shown
shown my true colours
colours that once filled my universe

kinda lame.. haha... kinda ki siao now... =/

2005-08-28T19:30:00.000-07:00

haiz.. gt back all ma results fer mock.. although huge improvement.. still im unhappy.. kinda had this image tt i gt As n Bs and was one of da top student in fajar.. although tt seem kinda impossible.. im gonna believe in faith that is gonna happen.. well.. 23 pts.. actually emaths is an A2.. humanilities oso... but... careless.. hmmm... too bad.. hope ma chinese end of da year can get a B3.. den i wan to get a B3 fer ma physics too...chem im aiming fer an A2 along wit English an A1... though it may seem abit impossible.. i feel that it is possible.. my Emaths im aiming fer at least a B3 and Amaths a B4.. fer Amaths its kinda impossible now.. i failing it badly..i dunno how to do at all lor... haix.. hopefully im able to getr 16pts and below.. kinda high expectations of maself... gotta push n push to meet those goals.. i wan to get those results.!! hmmph~!! kinda sad.. AGAIN.. i noe.. weird me..always sad.. im nt all tt bubbly i guess.. =D

2005-08-22T17:04:00.000-07:00

its time like this that i feel very helpless... someone so close is vv sick and being stubborn.. i was so worried.. i gt a shock... i didn't noe wad was happening... who called? wadeva it is... the lord was good... he made xenia call me and made me wake up to pick up that call.. if that did not happen i wonder wad would have happened now.. praise the lord.. hmm.. thank god.. xenia ought to stop being stubborn... its her health that is priority 1... yet she is so concerned about gg to the hospital or gettin scoldin frm her mom.. zhen shi de... den turtle was awake... he was watching movie instead of slping.. haix.. dunno la... now feel abit sad.. nt sure why.. be4 i slpt jux now at 1am.. i was tryin to compose a song... alas... all outta tune... sad but true... zzz.. eyes are now huge and budgin... eyes so itchy n pain.. haix.. haze is coming... xenia gotta take note.. her asthma is gettin worse.. really hope she will stop being stubborn.. well, bad news.. im hated by someone who is the same age as me once more.. haix.. joel.. yep.. its my fault... again.. i really gt to talk less le.. if i carry on at this rate, i'll probly make enemies with all my peers in sg.. haix... i dun have a single fren who is my peer... sad case... probly its god's plan for me nt to have a single fren who is my peer.. hahaha... im always mixing ard with all e older people.. anyway... yh vv soon gonna POP le.. i hope that i won't see him at plaza on sundays.. i pray that i shan't see him.. hahaha... toopid request i noe... haix... wanted to go prayer meetin.. but no mood le.. i jux dun feel like it.. i dunno why.. but yea.. gt a feeling that thr's one more guy who likes me... but i shan't assume emotions.. probly jux being friendly.. yea tt's it.. hmm.. i oso now dun care bout jj le.. he bo chap me why shld i chap him rite? its a waste of my time.. he dun miss me.. why shld i miss him? he dun talk to me.. why shld i talk to him? he dun care bout me.. why shld i care abt him? don't make sense mehX? it does to me lor.. haix.. dunno wad to say le..

2005-08-21T23:50:00.000-07:00

well.. haven't been blogging... probly tt's y i feel so heavy hearted... haix.. dunno lehx.. got a grade 5 fer chinese... kinda disappointed.. but gt a merit fer oral.. ahahha.. hai ke yi.. sch isn't gettin better fer me... hmm.. so much critism and stress... as much as i wish to do my qt, i dun have e disciplin... sad... dunno wads in me... sometimes i wish to jux vanish frm e face of the earth... although today cg vv blessful, still e burden is there... wanted to talk to sis jo but didn't get a chance.. i wanna go prayer meeting in da morning den tell sis jo... but dunno if will make it in time fer sch... gt amaths exam.. i tink i shall go... hmmm... seriously i dunno who to talk to... i dunno lehx.. GOD... i noe... but i dunno how to say.. thats y i type out.. although i gt a mouth... anyway.. really feel that i shldn't care bout him anymore.. i shln't care bout my emotions anymore... its a waste of time and memory space... kinda weird thinking bout yea... that's me le... i have difficulty looking on the bright side le... i have difficulty in experiencing joy... sometimes its really a mask.. like wad Sy Rogers said... we put on a mask in fear that people around willl not accept for who we are... that we are ashamed of our history and ourselves... haix... fer me.. yea... although i have let it go.. i can't seem to not feel ashame... feel so.. so... haix... history will nv be erased.. daddy says that it would be nice having 2 lawyers at home but i feel otherwise... i wan to do something in sports or psychology... haix... im off...

2005-07-18T00:01:00.000-07:00

zzzzzz... so much work.. so much burden.. oh lord pls lift this burden can? i really feel vv sad and scared.. i wanna cry but tears dun flow.. my heart is hardened... hw lord?? can u pls help me? i dunno how to say this in words.. so im typing lord.. u can see rite? i noe u rather i ask thru my mouth coz tt's wad mouth is made fer... e purpose.. wads my purpose lord.. wad izit?? i wannna see u lord.. i wanna feel u holding me in ur arms.. . so much work,, everyday tcher throw 2,3 papers at us n wan us to finish a 2 hr paper in an hr.. hw? i dunno leh! work piling up.. even as i slp... i think of the work i have.. only when i come before u do i den nt think of it..i feel like filling myself wit pain lord.. feel like hurting myself.. so i can take e burden away.. truth is that burden will still stay.. i look at my frenx n im like e one so stressed bout work.. i wanna relax.. but hw? ytd during svc i did.. my trust in u i put... coz trust in riches will bring me nowhr.. i was scared lord.. hw was i gonna survive.. but i'll walk i faith... who else but u can i talk to? as in talk to n nt feel akward... edwin? xenia? james? jj? or who? dun hab lehx.. only u... some times i dunno wad to do.. i feel so lost..i love u lord... i really do.. i dun wanna let u go.. pls dun let me go ever.. can?? i wanna be held tight in ur embrace.. lord.. i give u my heart lord.. i give u my love... i give u my thanks fer giving me everything... alv b/s.. i vv sad... i couldn't see it.. yet o/rs could.. y?? y couldn't i see it? feel responsible lor.. zzz.. smtimes.. i wonder wad i shld do....

2005-07-15T16:59:00.000-07:00

zzz. been sick fer a week.. couldn't even stand up on monday.. quite bad.. haix.. dunno la... mr koh ask me go see chinese physian.. haix.. den so much work to do.. zzz ok la.. now in art room need go off le... chinese o's listening was horrible.. kinda upset.. hope can go overnight prayer meeting later tonight... ((:

2005-07-09T01:25:00.000-07:00

haix.. dun get it la.. ARGH~!!! i hate e devil.. spirtual attack.. haix.. xen n i dwn liao.. i trying my best to hold on tight.. i try to bring myself to pray but i can't.. its smthing.. haix.. dun get it la.. jj like dun care bout how i feel... he quite attention seeking lor.. but only wan it frm turtle.. dun care LA~!! wad for go make myself so frustrated.. he is always always ALWAYS sick n depressed.. go back to ur cheap bird la.. i really like u but its u who makes me hate u.. dun tell me u another alv.. one day say like nxt day say hate... dun play wit me.. i naive i agree but i still can think.. I HATE FEELING THIS WAY~!! u dun even care bout hw i feel.. u dun even spare a thought for me.. sshooooooooooooooo la

2005-07-07T23:59:00.000-07:00

sianx.. alv backslide.. i cried.. dunno leh.. first time.. as if i could feel god' sorrow... haix.. dunno leh.. den i vv sad.. hmm.. sch so stressful such that i slp in class nw.. den csp mon to thurs.. tired... dunno la.. i gt no motivation to study... saw bear today.. like so sianx.. haix.. dunno wad i am feeling these few days.. not been eating well too.. fast n fast n fast.. 24 hrs,12hrs... temptation.. i try to bring yself be4 god but no disciplin too.. haix.. i duno... heart now heavy.. every night is like tt.. i tink god put e burden in me le.. den hor when i dun do qt, hs prompts me wit e burden... anyway... been so tired tt i have been slping on my work.. so sianx.. -.-

2005-06-30T01:01:00.000-07:00

been having horrible dreams aka nightmares.. jayne's name keeps popping out... i really HATE her.. dun get it... everytime i dream of her.. its like i told her smthing but she jux shrugs it awy den when it happens ppl come find me scold.. den oso like she gt me into trouble.. all i noe im having difficulties slping.. even in sch.. been slping in lessons.. haix.. dunno wad to do.. i feel vv scared.. i feel insercure.. i feel lonely.. haix jux feel like crying.. to pour my sorrows out.. but can't gotta study u see :'(

2005-06-25T11:47:00.000-07:00

being jux me sux.. nw they r pissed with me.. fine... jj said they wld accept me fer who i am... he lied... he said tt n he is e 1st nt being able to accept me.. i'll be in hiding once more.. break tt heart den i'll show e real me..by then.. will b no diff.. big mistake.. haix.. mugging will get my mind off it ((:

2005-06-25T08:09:00.000-07:00

jux being me was a disaster.. nw u noe y i try my best nt to put e real me forward.. coz it still needs alot of molding.. haix.. i pissed jj off.. i noe im bad..

2005-06-25T02:01:00.000-07:00

haix.. dunno wassup wit him.. lik bo chap bo chap me... but like care oso.. haix.. another guy -.- im confused, by him n actions.. haix. haix. dunno la... sch gonna reopen in one day's time.. dun feel like gg cgm.. wanna dance n dance n dance.. lol.. im lousy.. can't do any running fer 6mths.. gonna break it im sure.. haha.. gotta study study study nw.. ytd ton e whole night till 6.30-7am.. den woke up at 8am.. ahhahha.. go physio den go slp at lobby.. so shuang lor.. wee~ after tt gt doc appt and den go lot1 buy sm stuff n walked hm w. mama... after tt go xen hse do jigsaw abit.. fun lehx.. wahahhahhaa.. aiyah.. gonna ton whole night again to study geog.. ((:

2005-06-23T00:00:00.000-07:00

hmmm... really.. whr do i belong? haix.. i dunno la... in church? wit xen, jj, jamin, alv? OR WHO?! haix.. smtimes i wonder... well.. gonna ton e whole night coz wanna finish my project n pass it to vanessa to do e ppt.. haix.. toopid la.. got so much things to do ltr.. go fss take testimonial den rush dwn to jjc to hand in e DAE application... after tt rush dwn fer physio at 10.30... after physio get to relax fer awhile after going to clinic A to reg fer appt... haix... HAIX.. ltr MRI scan result.. shows if i can cont. sports or gotta res fer long long term :'( really scared.. i noe mux hab faith.. but its reality.. even today i felt sm pain in my knees... toopid me rite.. train so hard den nw gt tis prob.. :'( really wan everything to be fine... JUX FINE PLS LORD~

2005-06-22T10:20:00.000-07:00

have u ever wondered who are you? nono... i mean truely who are u? ur name can be xxxxxx but izit really ur real name? r u sure u r an EARTHLING? kinda silly qns i noe... but jux take a min bout it.. n it seems all possible.. thr are millions and billions of galaxies and what makes u so sure u ain't part of one of them instead of our galaxy? hmm.. he said the world needs more of me... but if thr were more of me.. wouldn't thr b more identity crisis? hahha.. its true.. i told him tt if thr were more of me, thr needed to hav more of him... he knew instantly and said ' to make the world go round rite?' wahhahhaa.. he knows wad im tinking.. lub him lots

2005-06-22T09:49:00.000-07:00

yea... whr r u guys when i need u :'( huh?! jux feel like crying myself to slp.. everyone is slping.. everyone bu li wo.. sad la... haix.. hopefully tml dun get pang seh.. haix..

2005-06-22T08:46:00.000-07:00

sianx.. ta bu li wo.. kaox eh.. ytd playing ard only.. den now he really bu li wo.. sheessh.... wadeva again~!!! arggggghhhh.. yayayyaya... today slp slp slp slp slp slp slp slp... haix...

2005-06-20T09:03:00.000-07:00

ARGH!!!!! BLOODY ELYN LA... BIG MOUTH... BIG ASS... MOUTH SO BIG TALK HERE TALK THERE.. I NO COMMENTS LA.. NTH BETTER DO WORK LONGER LA.. GO WORK WORK WORK... DUN COME MEDDLE WITH MY STUFF~!!!

2005-06-19T11:59:00.000-07:00

wadeva... [tt's wad i keep saying n nt meaning it] its HIM who gets e jitters when i call him 'dear'... nvm.. nvm... today gib cold shoulder to each other.. dunno wads happening.. are we tgt or nt? he says we are.. but it doesn't seem so..after sat morning... everything changed.. haix.. dunnnnnnnooooo...... i love him alot.. haix.. haix.. haix. haix... wannnnna crry.. wanna cry... mayb nt gg church n cg tis wk.. wanna sort out my feelings... wanna ask myself wads gg on and wad to expect in e future.. xenia still doesn't get it does she? nvm bahx.. nvm.. wadeva...